When friendships change: why connection matters with age

We all know it’s harder to make friends as we get older.

What once felt effortless, chatting to someone in class, bonding with a colleague, becoming close simply because you saw each other every day suddenly feels complicated, intentional, and, at times, exhausting.

For many of us in Asian communities, this challenge can feel even more pronounced.

In many Asian cultures, family sits at the heart of our lives. Loyalty, duty, and responsibility are deeply valued, and family is often our first, and sometimes only, support system.

But this can create an unspoken belief that needing friendship beyond family is unnecessary, or even selfish.

The truth is: friends serve a different role.

Why Friends Matter (even when we have family)

Friends are the family we choose, but they’re also people who offer perspectives outside of our family norms. They can help us question, unlearn, and grow in ways that family sometimes cannot, especially when family dynamics are shaped by tradition, hierarchy, or expectation.

For Asian women in particular, friendships can be spaces where we:

• Speak freely without fear of judgement or gossip

• Explore identity beyond cultural or familial roles

• Share experiences that may not be understood at home

• Feel seen as individuals, not just daughters, wives, or mothers

Why Friendship Gets Harder With Age

When we’re younger, friendships form easily because of proximity and sameness. We’re:

• In the same classrooms

• At similar life stages

• Living near one another

• Sharing routines, struggles, and milestones in real time

As we get older, that changes. We move cities. Careers diverge. Some people have children, others don’t. Responsibilities increase. Energy decreases. Proximity disappears, and with it, the ease of connection

We may be:

• Balancing demanding careers with family expectations

• Prioritising caregiving for parents, in-laws, or children

• Navigating marriage, motherhood, or cultural responsibilities

• Carrying the pressure to “hold it together” without complaint

Friendship quietly slips down the priority list — not because it matters less, but because there’s little cultural permission to prioritise it.

After all, many of us have family. Partners. Children. Long-standing responsibilities. So why do we still feel the pull — and sometimes the ache — for friendship?

Research consistently shows that strong friendships are linked to better mental health, reduced loneliness, lower stress, and even longer life expectancy. Friendship isn’t a “nice to have” — it’s foundational to our wellbeing.

Psychological research also highlights something important: friendship takes time.

Studies suggest it takes approximately:

• 50 hours to move from acquaintance to casual friend

• 90 hours to become friends

• 200+ hours to build a close friendship

As adults, finding those hours is much harder. Work, caregiving, health, household responsibilities, all compete for our time. Friendship often slips to the bottom of the list, not because it matters less, but because it feels less urgent.

The Cost of Letting Friendships Fade

When friendship becomes optional, loneliness quietly grows.

Many adults report having fewer close friends than they did a decade ago, and some feel uncomfortable admitting they feel lonely, especially when they’re surrounded by family.

But loneliness isn’t about being alone. It’s about lacking meaningful connection.

And this is why being intentional about friendship as we age is not indulgent, it’s essential.

So What Can We Do?

7 things you can do this month to rebuild or deepen friendship.

1. Redefine what “Friendship Time” looks like

Friendship doesn’t need grand plans. A walk, a voice note, a 20-minute coffee counts. Consistency matters more than intensity.

2. Be the one who reaches out

Many people are waiting for permission. Sending the first message isn’t needy, it’s generous.

3. Build friendship into what you’re already doing

Invite someone to join you on a school run walk, gym class, or errand. Shared life creates shared connection.

4. Say yes more often (when you can)

Friendship needs time to accumulate. Saying yes, even when it feels slightly inconvenient, is often how closeness grows.

5. Create new spaces for connection

Join a group, attend an event, start a monthly meet-up. Adult friendships often need structure to survive.

6. Let friendship evolve with life stages

Friendships don’t have to look like they did in your 20s. Short check-ins, seasonal closeness, and mutual understanding are enough.

7. Normalise needing friends outside family

Wanting friendship isn’t a rejection of family values, it’s an expansion of your support system. As we get older, friendship doesn’t become less important — it becomes more essential.

For Asian communities, reclaiming friendship is also about reclaiming space for connection, softness, and shared growth, without guilt.

Because community isn’t just built through family ties.

It’s built through chosen connection, mutual care, and friendships that allow us to be fully ourselves.