My Teenager Has Started Dating! What Do I Do? A Guide for Asian Parents

Parenting is hard. Full stop. The sleepless nights, the endless nurturing, the juggling of school runs, extracurriculars, emotional support, and the evolving interests of a growing child; it can be completely overwhelming.

But just when you think you're getting the hang of it, your child becomes a teenage and suddenly, the game changes. At AMBER, we understand the unique tension many of our readers feel, especially those navigating life as modern-day Asian moms. You may be raising your children in a world that values openness, individual choice, and emotional expression yet you carry with you the echoes of a very different past.

Maybe in your own childhood, the idea of having a boyfriend or girlfriend was unspoken- something that lived only in whispers, secret notes, or quiet rebellion. Dating was not discussed; it was denied. And yet… it happened anyway.

Now, as a parent, you may find yourself asking difficult questions:

How much freedom is too much?
How do I stay true to my cultural values while still giving my child space to explore their identity?
How do I create a safe space for honest conversations, especially about relationships?

These are not easy questions. And the answers won’t look the same for every family. But what we do know is this: when silence surrounds a topic like dating, it doesn’t make it disappear, it just pushes it into secrecy. And secrecy breeds shame, confusion, and distance between parent and child.

So where is the fine line? Somewhere between the wisdom of tradition and the compassion of change; somewhere between boundaries and trust; Somewhere between who we were raised to be and the kind of parents we hope to become.

In this edition, we explore these deeply personal and often challenging conversations around love, dating, and cultural expectations - with honesty, empathy, and zero judgment. Let’s navigate this together.

Being ‘THE’ Asian Mom

In many Asian cultures, mothers are seen as the pillars of the household; nurturing, self-sacrificing, and often responsible for instilling discipline and cultural values. Traditional expectations might include prioritising family above all, emphasising academic success and obedience in children and respecting elders and maintaining cultural customs.

Most of our readers are second generation citizens living in Britain, where bringing up Asian teenagers in the UK means raising children in two worlds at once. On one hand, there’s the fast-paced, individualistic culture of the West, with its emphasis on self-expression, independence, and emotional openness. On the other, there’s the deeply-rooted sense of tradition, duty, and collective identity carried from ‘home’, often unspoken, but ever-present. For parents, especially mothers, the demand this poses is not just logistical, but emotional: how do you protect your child’s future without erasing your past?

To truly understand why dating feels like such a difficult concept for the modern day mom to accept, we need to look back and consider what dating meant — or didn’t mean — during her own upbringing.

Asian Dating: 1990s: Love in the Time of Tradition

1. Dating was often secretive

In many Asian communities, especially in conservative households, dating wasn’t openly discussed. Romantic relationships were:

• Discreet or hidden, especially among teenagers

• Seen as a distraction from education or family duties

• Often limited to serious courtship with marriage in mind
  

2. Parents were gatekeepers

• In many cases, families had a strong say in who their children dated or married.

• Arranged marriages (or semi-arranged) were still common, especially in South Asia and among immigrant families.
  

3. Communication was limited

• No texting, no DMs, no dating apps.

• Relationships developed through landline phone calls, handwritten letters, or passing notes in school.
  

4. Love was often an “unspoken language”

• Flirting and attraction were subtle, especially in public.

• In many Asian cultures, emotional restraint and modesty were valued—so love was shown in actions, not declarations.
  

As a result:

The way we were brought up to view relationships feels completely different from how teenagers and young adults approach dating today. The youth of today are far more open and forthcoming than we were growing up, they often feel they can talk to their parents about love interests without fear of upsetting them, which was rarely the case for us back then. However, this significant cultural shift can leave many parents feeling anxious and unsure about how to support their teenagers without dismissing their relationships outright.

Here are a few ideas you might find helpful:

1. Check in with yourself first

Ask:

• Why does this worry me?
  

• What values am I trying to protect?
  

• Am I reacting from fear or from love?
  
  Many Asian parents weren’t raised to talk openly about dating. It was taboo, even shameful. So your discomfort is understandable, but it doesn't have to control your response.

2. Don't panic - be curious

This is not about control; it’s about understanding. Try asking your teen:

• "What do you like about this person?"
  

• "How does this relationship make you feel?"
  

• "What does dating mean to you?

These questions open up a conversation, not a confrontation.

3. Avoid shame or threats

Avoid saying things like:

• "You’re too young!"
  

• "What will people say?"
  

• "You’re disrespecting our culture!"

  Instead, let them know: "This is new for me, and I want to understand. I care about your well-being more than anything."

4. Set boundaries, not walls

Yes, you're still the parent. It's okay to set rules such as:

• Who they can see and when

• What kind of supervision is appropriate

• Honest conversations about physical boundaries and emotional safety

But let those rules come from a place of respect, not fear.

5. Talk about culture and values - not just rules

Share your perspective:
"In our culture, relationships were often more private or serious. I want to help you make choices that won’t hurt you later."

You’re not just passing down rules, you’re passing down wisdom. Make sure it comes with kindness, not judgment.

6. Create a safe space for mistakes

Dating is how teens learn about themselves, relationships, and emotional maturity. They will make mistakes, and that’s okay. Let them know:

• They can talk to you if something goes wrong

• You're a safe space, even when things are messy

• Love isn't a betrayal—it’s a growing experience

7. Lead with love, not control

The truth is, if you shut down the conversation, they’ll keep dating, but in secret. If you stay open, you stay involved in their life. You’re not losing them, you’re guiding them.

So you have come to terms with it, but…

As parents, we think we may have figured this out and are supporting our children as they start exploring relationships, but there’s another layer to consider: the views of the boyfriend or girlfriend’s parents.

While some second-generation parents are choosing a more open and understanding approach, many first-generation parents in the UK may hold more traditional views about relationships. This can sometimes lead to differences in expectations or comfort levels when it comes to their children dating. It can also create challenges if the teenagers themselves have different boundaries, making it hard to know the right way to have a relationship while respecting both sets of family expectations.

It’s important to approach these situations with sensitivity and awareness, recognising that every family has its own values and boundaries, and helping our children navigate relationships in a way that is respectful and considerate of the boyfriend or girlfriend’s parents and their beliefs.

Final Thoughts

Maybe you were raised in a culture where topics like love, relationships, and feelings were off-limits. Where rules were strict, expectations were silent but heavy, and dating was something you did quietly — in the shadows, in fear, or with guilt. But now, as a parent, you have a powerful opportunity: to offer your child something different. Something better. 

You can create a home where trust lives alongside boundaries. Where openness is met with love, not judgment; where your culture is honoured — not through fear or control — but through compassion, understanding, and honest dialogue.

Because the truth is: whether or not you allow it, your child will grow. They’ll feel. They’ll wonder. They’ll love. And if you’re not the one guiding them through that journey with honesty and support, the world will do it for you — often in ways that are confusing, unsafe, or misaligned with your values.

If you're too strict, they may hide things from you. If you're silent, they'll find answers elsewhere. If you close the door, they’ll still go looking — just without you by their side. Isn’t it better to walk with them, instead of behind them in suspicion or miles behind them in silence?

We don’t have to repeat the past. We can choose a different way, one where our children don’t have to sneak around like we did. One where they feel safe talking to us. One where love isn't a taboo, but a conversation.

It’s not about giving them total freedom, it’s about giving them space to grow — with your guidance, your wisdom, and your love fully present. They need you. Not just as a rule-maker, but as a safe place to land.

Let’s give our kids what we didn’t have, not by abandoning our values, but by leading with compassion, openness, and courage.